Dear
Messrs Pearson and Bertelsmann,
Congratulations
on the creation of Ranguin. I know you’ve decided to go with another name, but
I like this one better so I’m going to stick with it.
When
I read your statement that this company can “be more adventurous in trying new
models”, I realized I have to present this opportunity to you without delay. It’s
big, bold and, most importantly, will make lots of money for us. Pull your
chairs closer.
I
offer myself as an entity for Ranguin to merge with.
The
three of us together will bravely face and profit from the new world of print
and digital, with the option to venture into the fast-growing fields of home décor
and Chinese food.
What
books have you published, I hear you say. The answer: None, if you define
publishing in that fuddy-duddy manner of mass-producing print editions. (That’s
so 2009.) Look, instead, at the vast number of blog posts, tweets, comments and
graffiti I’ve been responsible for over the years, you’ll know that I am, in my
own way, a publishing powerhouse.
For
a start, I’ve already thought of a multi-media project that is sure to be next
year’s blockbuster. It’s titled 50 Shades of the Grey Album and brings together
the talents of the Beatles, Jay-Z, Danger Mouse and E.L. James.
Combining
our complementary skills and strengths is a move that can only be described as
synergistic, not to mention evangelistic and realistic. (I would prefer an
all-cash settlement, in small and unmarked bills.)
Looking
forward to a favourable response. Oh, I think that’s Rupert on the line.
Regards,
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