Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Why Penguin Random House Should Merge With Me

Dear Messrs Pearson and Bertelsmann,

Congratulations on the creation of Ranguin. I know you’ve decided to go with another name, but I like this one better so I’m going to stick with it.

When I read your statement that this company can “be more adventurous in trying new models”, I realized I have to present this opportunity to you without delay. It’s big, bold and, most importantly, will make lots of money for us. Pull your chairs closer.

I offer myself as an entity for Ranguin to merge with.

The three of us together will bravely face and profit from the new world of print and digital, with the option to venture into the fast-growing fields of home décor and Chinese food.

What books have you published, I hear you say. The answer: None, if you define publishing in that fuddy-duddy manner of mass-producing print editions. (That’s so 2009.) Look, instead, at the vast number of blog posts, tweets, comments and graffiti I’ve been responsible for over the years, you’ll know that I am, in my own way, a publishing powerhouse.

For a start, I’ve already thought of a multi-media project that is sure to be next year’s blockbuster. It’s titled 50 Shades of the Grey Album and brings together the talents of the Beatles, Jay-Z, Danger Mouse and E.L. James.

Combining our complementary skills and strengths is a move that can only be described as synergistic, not to mention evangelistic and realistic. (I would prefer an all-cash settlement, in small and unmarked bills.)

Looking forward to a favourable response. Oh, I think that’s Rupert on the line.


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