The Top Ten Indian Genes

India maps human genome – The Hindustan Times, December 9.

Allegedly, a hush-hush document prepared by scientists at the Council of Scientific and Industrial Research states that among the thousands of genes they have scanned, ten are especially active among Indians in urban areas. Here, for the first time, are leaked extracts from this paper.

H-ONK. Causes itching of the thumb, which can only be relieved by vigorous and incessant blowing of horn while driving.

G-RAFT. A mutant version of the above that also makes the palm of the hand itch, leading to several under-the-table dealings.

PTH-OO. Brings about salivation, leading to excessive expectoration. (Note: This gene is only activated in public areas.)

SIX-SIXES. Activated at the sight of a plank of willow meeting a leather orb, automatically bringing the carrier to his or her feet.

O-GLE. Believed to control eye-function, causing the gene carrier to stare fixedly at others on the road without any provocation whatsoever.

WTF. A dual-action gene that affects perceptions of the colour white: carriers are drawn towards white skin while at the same time being repelled by white money.

FR-Y. This modifies digestive patterns, making the carrier partial to any form of food that has been dipped in oil before cooking.

F-LASH. Dubbed ‘the flashy gene’ by scientists, this compels carriers to indulge in lavishness when it comes to weddings. Typical manifestations are gaudy jewellery, ornate backdrops and thirty-two course buffets.

TICK-TOCK. This gene affects perceptions of time, leading carriers to believe that it is infinitely elastic. (Scientists are attempting to prove the hypothesis that Einstein carried a version of this gene as well.)

OS-TRICH Especially prevalent among those who run for office, this brings about the belief that shouting in Parliament or on TV shows will cause problems to vanish